Barbie Keeps it Real: Ten Ways America’s Favorite Plastic Could’ve Helped a Mother Out

I’m not a Barbie hater.

I’m actually a reformed Barbie lover. I had millions of Barbies. I also had poor self-esteem when I was an adolescent and tween, so perhaps there was a connection. But still, I’m not ready to blame it all on Barbie.

I see the way my daughter looks at her own plastic piece of perfection with adorning eyes, and I wonder “Am I doing permanent damage?”

It’s not that I think the unrealistic characteristics Barbie portrays are dangerous in and of themselves, but I do feel that she could at least meet us moms half way in teaching our daughters what’s true in this world.

If there were just a few more real life Barbie’s out there, than the Beach Barbies and Princess Skippers wouldn’t bother me so much.

So I give you, the Top Ten Ways Barbie could have kept it Real

1. Winter Weight Barbie – She’s a slightly chunkier version of regular Barbie. Think Barbie after the Holidays.

Family All Together At Christmas Dinner

2. Yoga Pants Barbie – No, not “Workout Barbie” or “Fitness Barbie” … “Yoga Pants Barbie.” Big difference.


3. Sleep Deprived Barbie - Bloodshot eyes, swollen lids and no patience – this Barbie could also be known as “New Mom Barbie” or “Hungover Barbie”.


4. Breastfeeding Barbie – Her breasts are engorged constantly and no one, except her baby, is ever allowed near them.


5. Sun Damaged Barbie – This is Beach Barbie after a few years of using little to no SPF. (Shouldn’t the children learn early?)


6. Workaholic Barbie – Workaholic Barbie in some cases doubles as “Primary Wage Earner Barbie” and comes with a Ken doll hanging from her coattails.


7. Mom Jeans Barbie – I mean … she wears mom jeans.


8. Bad Haircut Barbie – I felt so strongly about this one when I was a child that I decided to make all of my dolls “Bad Haircut Barbie” – this way kids won’t have to take matters into their own hands.


9. No Make-up Barbie – Let’s get the makeup tattoos laser removed, shall we Barbie?

Jimmy Carr Launches New Stronger British Latte at Starbucks

10. Au Naturale Barbie – She’s got hair on her legs and is slightly smelly.


And just for kicks, I’ll add an 11th one to the mix …

11. Mommy Barbie – She’s got a superhero cape and magical powers. (I said we wanted to keep it REAL for the kids, remember?)


One thought on “Barbie Keeps it Real: Ten Ways America’s Favorite Plastic Could’ve Helped a Mother Out

  1. I think your writer did a fabulous job!! For the mindless wack-os who keep repeating the same old rhetoric about “perfect Barbie” being responsible for girls low self-esteem, I say… GET REAL!!! Barbie is what you make her! She can be a role model or a delinquent loser. It’s PARENTS who make kids with low self-esteem! Not toys!!

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